Olesya, from your practice - does the divorce of parents always become a trauma for the child?
Olesya Pokusaeva: In general, divorce cases where there is a dispute about children are the most difficult, they last for two or three years - new families are formed and new children are born. And it is good that parents bring their children to psychologists. (Unfortunately, they do not go there themselves, not realizing how hard divorce affects them.) But as for the child, divorce splits his world. Researchers are sure: children love their parents naturally inherently and the elimination of one of them is deeply traumatic.
Is it realistic to remain a full parent if your child does not live with you?
Olesya Pokusaeva: If you wish, it is possible to maintain excellent relations with your child, even if you live in different cities or in different countries. Unfortunately, in our legislation there is no norm obliging a parent to bring a child for visits if he has taken him somewhere far away. (And in my practice there was such a case, the mother took her daughter to her father in Norway every two months).
If the parent and the child are in the same city, everything is much easier. But a lot depends on the desire of the parent with whom the child stayed - the child lives with whom he is most exposed to the influence of.
If the parent and the child are in the same city, everything is much easier. But a lot depends on the desire of the parent with whom the child stayed - the child lives with whom he is most exposed to the influence of.
So a good relationship of a child, for example, with a father who has left the family is also the merit and good will of the mother?
Olesya Pokusaeva: Yes, especially when the child is young. So often, if the parents did not part well, the child, alas, becomes a tool of manipulation. Sometimes it's money: “If you pay alimony, you'll see each other”, sometimes it's personal grudges: “You left me, you have another family - so communicate with them”.
So in order to build a relationship with a child after divorce, one must first build a relationship with the former other half? Asterisk challenge!
Олеся Покусаева: Именно так. Обязательно обоим родителям нужно, отбросив амбиции, договариваться. Отсекание ребенка от одного из родителей потом бумерангом вернется. Для ребенка это катастрофично, для него важны оба. Даже в крайних, тяжелых случаях, когда речь идет о психическом заболевании или алкоголизме, нельзя запрещать родителю после развода встречаться с ребенком. Если у человека ремиссия, он принимает лечение, если он приходит на встречу с ребенком трезвый, ведет себя адекватно - то пусть эти встречи будут. В присутствии другого родителя, психолога или социальных работников. Но ни в коем случае нельзя второго родителя совсем отрезать.
In some countries it is common for a child to literally live in two homes. How useful is it to adopt this?
Olesya Pokusaeva: It is a pity that we still do not have the concept of joint custody, when both parents are equally responsible for the child and the child really lives alternately with one or the other. If it is really important for the parent who has left to maintain a strong bond with the child, they will arrange their lives in such a way that this is possible. For example, the parents live close to each other so that the child can go to his or her school. They set up a nursery in both houses. Children easily adjust to life on two houses, it has long been proved. By the way, now we have more and more fathers are willing to stay with their children. And the courts have become more loyal. I can't say that everywhere, but the larger the city, the more they look at the fact that after divorce the child can be left with the father at all. It used to be, about 15 years ago, that 99% of kids were left with their mom.
Cutting a child off from one parent will boomerang back later. It's catastrophic for the child, both are important to the child.
Cutting a child off from one parent will boomerang back later. It's catastrophic for the child, both are important to the child.
Often one parent gets sleepless nights, illnesses and lessons, and the other parent is a party person, only taking them to entertainment centers. What is the right way for the “Sunday” parent to fill meetings with the child?
Olesya Pokusaeva: Of course, the child is happy to run off with the “Sunday” dad to have fun, and returning to the place where they are required to do their homework is not so much fun anymore. But this situation is often created by mothers. They do not let go for a long time, do not want to lose their influence. Ideally, the child should have both weekdays and weekends and with one and the other. I advise you to agree to take him with a sleepover, for example, from Friday evening to Sunday evening. Because without this will not be the warmth of communication, breakfast together, some parental control - as washed his face, brushed his teeth. Many mothers are fighting that the child on vacation spent with daddy no more than two weeks, but send him to camp for a shift or two. Or they do not send him, but they themselves do not rest at all.